Monthly Archives: June 2009

My advice to John & Kate (Part 2)

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Here’s my advice:

Re #1: Crisis happen for a reason, kinda like a headache. That’s your bodies way of saying “something’s wrong.”  So John, what’s wrong? What happened? What didn’t happen? Answer these simple questions and begin to see the light at the end of your tunnel (and I promise it’s not a train 🙂

Re #2: You’re angry. Go ahead. Say it loud, say it proud: My name is John and I”m angry. Pissed off! Is it the career change? Is it the invisibility? Is it your friends pointing out how “dude, wtf?”, is it Kate and her bossy ways? Are you wondering what happened to your balls? what happened to you? What happened to your dreams? Your hopes? Your contribution to your wife and children? Your looks? Your bod? Say it loud and say it proud John. Again, begin to answer these questions and see the light at the end of your tunnel (and again I promise it’s not a train 🙂 It’s your right to be pissed, but not to stay pissed. Hang in there…the light is coming but so is hard work

Re#3: Commitment is key. I might be the lone ranger on this one but I don’t believe in commitment to people. Why? Because people disappoint (case in point). I do however believe in commitment to commitment. Hang on, I’m not trying to talk you in circles. In other words, choose to stay committed regardless of what happens. It’ll basically force your hand to stay in the ugliness and ask for what you need and listen to what she needs.  I mean, if you remain committed to being committed, eventually it pays off.

If you commit to someone (or people), I believe it’s a setup to fail because people, by their very nature, will always disappoint. You can take that to the bank. Get your feet, head and body in the game. Re-commit yourself to being committed to yourself, your wife and your children. It took a while to get here, it’ll take a while to get out of it.

Re#4: This is NOT going to go away, and thank God for that. Your children, lovely as they are, would take a toll on anyone. Why? Because 8 of anything is alot. 8 key lime pies, 24 hours a day 7 days a week? Honey, you’ll be in worse shape than pepto-bismal can fix. And your wife? I know you love her and so do I but honey…women! I’m one so I know: you can love us and wanna pull your hair out because of us at the very same time. As a friend sometimes tells me: “women are meant to loved, not understood.” Basically, we’re lovely creatures and God bless us but we can also turn an otherwise sane man into a confused mess. Not all the time, but it definitely happens (and the same applies to men too, btw).

John, this is a lot for anyone but it’s not going to go away – and I think you’ll be the better for it.

You’re tired and worn out for now but every night has a dawning. You can take THAT to the bank. Hang in there, and know that a lot of people are rooting for you and Kate to get better together as a couple.

Congrats, btw, on a wonderful family 🙂

My advice to John and Kate (Part 1)

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Ok, ya’ll know I have all these opinions about all these things. Well, here’s one more thing I have an opinion about. Before you tell me “you don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors” blah blah, lemme tell you that my opinions are based on what THEY choose to let us see on THEIR show. They’re also my OPINIONS, just opinions. Here goes…

JOHN:

1. First of all, I definitely think you’re in crisis. Mid life or not, you’re in crisis my friend. Good news? You’re not the first nor the last. I’m amazed you didn’t crack sooner.

2. You, my friend, are angry! Yeah I said it: you’re PISSED! Some of it may be rational and some of it may not be. Right now, what I think you should do is acknowledge that you’re angry.  I do believe that part of you – a LARGE part –  is angry at your wife Kate and how much she has to travel but also how much you had to give up to give your children the life you want them to have. On top of that, I don’t think that YOU feel valued or appreciated for your contribution to your family. In other words, in your home, I don’t think that you feel valued and appreciated for the sacrifices you’ve made. Additionally, I don’t think that you feel valued or appreciated because you’re not the visible one. Kate is the one people see on the road, the one who seems to be WORKING for the family while you seem to be the forgotten one. Remember, I’m not saying that these things are true. I’m saying that I think you think that these things are true.

3. I think you already have one foot outside the door. Actually, I think you’re gone. I think you’re relieved at the prospect of not having all this responsibility and yet you feel a little guilty like you really shouldn’t feel relief to be relieved of  your duties as papa and hubby.

4. I think that you’re hoping that all this would go away, just for a bit. I think you need a break, and a serious serious one at that!

5. I do think that as much as you love your kids (and even Kate), you feel like/think you’ve lost or are losing your youth.

These are just some of the things that I think are going on with you. In your overwhelmed state of mind, now may not be the time to think about these things, but when you’re ready they’ll be here.

Good luck, and hang in there.

The blessing I almost missed

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I had a pretty ok day but I was pooped from pushing myself so much this week. I had this plan to come home right after 5pm and just get on the bed and chillax, so you can imagine that when my friend called to tell me that she had tickets to go to this place “…refugees…did I wanna come?” I was thinking “oh heck no. I’m pooped!” Instead, I said “Ok I”ll just meet you there.” Well, lemme tell you; nothing prepared me for what happened next.

I had heard her say something about watching refugees so I figured it was a movie and honestly, I wasn’t really looking forward to it. Like I said, I was tired (and a little self involved?). Turns out that in celebration of world refugee day, UNHCR had made it possible for the Sierra Leone All Stars Band to come and play a free concert. It’s no lie when I tell you that this was the best surprise I have had and heard in a while. It’s a total understatement to say that these guys knew their stuff and were accomplished musicians who were entertaining, fun and connected.

This experience took me to a place inside me where I feel elevated, whole, and that the best of me is still to come. I’m not talking celebrity and I’m not just saying this just to say it. I’m talking….these musicians who have survived unimaginable tragedies and loss reminded me (and really took me back to the place where I am always reminded) that not only can something good and beautiful come out of pain, but that something meaningful and worthy can and will come out of pain – if we let it. With everything that’s been going on with me, I’ve been left wondering where the next hit will come from , feeling lost in a world of other hurting people, feeling like I’m losing my mind and my will to believe in a better tomorrow. Tonight wasn’t just about a band or some musicians for me, tonight was about hope. Hope that tomorrow can be better, hope that music really can and will heal – if we let it, hope that the sun will shine again. Hope and knowledge: knowledge that God sees me, that I am not lost and that all this will not be for nothing. Knowledge that I’m ok…that I’m safe.

I needed a blessing, which is exactly what I got, and I would have totally missed it if I hadn’t said “YES” to a simple invitation; so next time someone invites you to do something different or out of the ordinary, even if you’re tired consider saying “yes,” (or “ok, I’ll just meet you there” :-) , for you never know what surprise and/or blessing awaits you.

Be Kind to Yourself

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As previously stated (read: hell highway), I have been going through some stuff but haven’t been very nice to myself about it. Well, in the interest of my general, relational, spiritual, emotional and physical well-being, I have decided to look toward a solution. Let me be the first to say that I don’t know exactly HOW I’m going to do the following but I promise to try. Feel free to suggest.

So, as I was saying, in my own interest and the interest of those that love me and are tired of hearing me tear into myself, I have made a decision:

My goal this week is:

1. To try and remember to be kind to myself (literally)

2. To lower my standards and expectations to something a little more realistic e.g. get through this intact, NOT get through this perfectly.

3. To accept that while some friends may not be able to or want to be supportive during this time, others actually DO and to stop feeling bad for wanting, needing or accepting their support. That’s what friends are for, and I hope I would do the same for them.

Three goals may not seem like a lot but for me, in my current insanely perfectionistic frame of mind, it’s plenty. Wish me luck!

Hell-highway

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Ok, so these last few weeks have been my own version of the Twilight zone. It feels as though Murphy and his damn laws have stuck to me like glue. Through all of this, I discovered that I am making myself crazy with this search for perfection.

We all know that nothing and no one’s perfect yet for whatever reason, some of us keep trying. A friend once said to me “I know I can’t be perfect, but sometimes I feel as though if only I tried hard enough, I could be.” We laughed but I knew that I too sometimes feel that way, no kidding. All this does is lead me to the “what’s wrong with me” road which inevitably leads to the hell-highway also known as “I’m a failure.” Oh but wait. There’s more. These last few weeks have turned this flaw in me (and I do think it’s a flaw) into a monster of an issue.

As though I don’t already have to deal with, what with Murphy and his dumb-ass laws, I am now berating myself for not handling my misfortune perfectly enough. Not just perfectly. Perfectly enough! Did you get that? Instead of supporting myself and letting others support me, I am berating myself for not being a perfect misfortune-handler!!! wtf?!?!?!

First all, “perfectly enough” for whom? No one else seems to hold me to this ridiculously high and impossible standard. I’m the one who has set this ridiculous and foolish standard and now I’m the one driving myself up the wall and into this hellish highway.

Why oh why do I do this to myself??? Is anyone else out there this insane or am I the only one?

Dear *John, Part 1

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Dear *John (even just seeing your name makes me smile),

It’s 2:30am and I’m thinking of you. I have this compulsion to sit up, grab my laptop from beneath my bed and write you a letter. I’m not sure why…

First of all, I think the most important thing I want to express is how much I’m enjoying getting to know you. It just occurred to me that now we can really say that we’re friends. Before, we liked each other and the chemistry was great but it all happened so fast. Now, we really are getting to know each other. What’s so special to me is knowing about your past, your family and some of the experiences that have helped to shape who you are today. I also enjoy talking to you about your future plans and desires and even thoughts about your future. The funny thing is, you are completely different from what I expected you would be. I mean, chemistry? check. funny? check. substance? Ummm….I honestly didn’t expect you to be a person of such great substance. I know how that must sound but please remember that everything and anything I heard about you (I still can’t tell you from who 🙂 ) was the complete opposite. I think that’s part of the reason why every time – every time – I talk with you, I am reminded of why I feel the way that I do.

Listen, you already know that I love you. I’m not sure whether to elaborate on this or not. If I do, I’m trying to protect myself from not hearing that you love me too. If I don’t, I’m putting myself too much “out there.” How about I just leave it alone and let you figure it out with time? More than loving you, I like you. I like the ‘you’ that I’m getting to know. It’s exciting! Really, it’s like a new thing every week. That just endears you to me even more.

Which brings me to some of what’s on my mind. In recent days, I have come to see you support me and somehow know what to say when I needed to hear it. First of all, “thank you” especially for that last ‘lecture’ that not only helped me sleep better but inadvertently prepared me for what lay ahead. What’s on my mind is that I’m thankful to have you and your support and your balance of seriousness and humor. What’s also on my mind is that I want more: I want more of you, your love, your support, your affection, your vulnerability, did I already say your love? Yes, your love. for me. I want more of your love for me. Specifically, I want you to love me. Even worse, I want you to love me the way I want you to love me. Get your head around that! 🙂

Seriously though, I find myself in a quandry: I’ll explain a little later. Based on a few things e.g. our recent conversation (yes you have feelings for me, no you don’t want to pursue them for various reasons), my own self-awareness (I attract and I’m attracted to men who are unavailable to me) and recent events (a health crisis and my growing awareness that while you do give me what I need when you’re there, you’re not consistently there enough for me to feel emotionally safe and secure with you, therefore making you unavailable to/for me), I now know that we can never be what I hope and want us to be unless things change. Considering the obvious i.e. you have no intention for things to change, I know that you’re exactly the kind of man I’m attracted to. You’re also exactly the kind of man I don’t need or want in my life. This means that I need to let go. But how can I? Herein lies my quandary.

Knowing what I know now – including the fact that while you have feelings for me, you do not intend to pursue them – I sometimes regret why you called me a few weeks ago when you did. You were totally out of my heart and mind and I was doing just fine knowing that your absence made you a non-option for me. Now you’re back with a force I have no control over, and yet you’re not really back. All things happen for a reason? What’s the reason for this?

Usually, I would let it go and walk away but how can I walk away when the friendship part is working so well? Why should I let go of a man who makes me laugh and who listens and who amazes and surprises me every time we talk? Why should I give up a man who makes me feel good, and reminds me how beautiful and really, plainly put, HOT he thinks I am? Why should I give up someone who I like having in my life? I’m not going to lie: I’m not willing. I’m not even willing to be willing to let go but if I don’t, I fear I will surely pay the price. What’s a girl to do?

Right now, this girl is going to keep her distance for a bit yet somehow continue to enjoy the friendship for as long as I can. If that doesn’t work, I’ll try something else but right now, I even choose to see this as a blessing. I didn’t ask for it so the cosmos must feel I needed it for some reason. If this did happen for a reason, maybe the reason is to show me some of what is possible for me. I say ‘some’ because while I enjoy you in my life, and you add so much to my life, I also see areas in which being with you would require a greater sacrifice than I’m willing to make. I’m happy you’re back in my life, but I don’t know why you’re back.

Hmmm…sigh…time will tell. It is, after all, a blabber of all things.

* name has been changed but the content is real

My body has turned on me :-/

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My body has turned on me. First, it was the pain which led to a trip to the ER. Since then, it’s been missing work, poor appetite, poor digestion and my inability to sleep which of course is a close friend to my strange dreams.  Today, however, today takes the cake!

Not only was I up until past 4am unable to sleep, I have spent literally ALL DAY in bed, trying not to accidentally overdose on Tylenol Extra-Strength rapid release capsules (the Walgreens brand).  Hasn’t anyone ever told them that 8 gel caps in 24hrs isn’t actually an overdose??? Wait, 8 capsules is actually 4000mg so yeah, I guess they’re right. Still, I’m not feeling much better and I’m irritated coz I thought the max was 10 gel caps. Now I find out it’s 8 so that means I have to wait this out another few hours to take my last two for the day. Never have I wanted more pills than I do now! I wanna cry 😦

My doctor said that if I felt worse I should go back to the ER or wait until tomorrow to go and see him. I don’t like to be a drama queen but I’m seriously thinking of going to see him in his office. I’ve this fear that I’m gonna get there and he’s going to examine me and think “this girl is nothing but a drama queen.” Worse, this pain will magically disappear by the time I get there, then it’ll go back to – you guess it: I’m a drama queen! On the other hand, I’m determined to avoid the ER so maybe I should go see him tomorrow. If I miss tomorrow, I can go on Tuesday.

I think I have to go tomorrow. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Until then, I’ll take my last two gel caps for the day – in the next 2-4 hours so I can hopefully get better sleep tonight than last night.

Someone please tell me you’re having a better night than I am.