Dear *John (even just seeing your name makes me smile),
It’s 2:30am and I’m thinking of you. I have this compulsion to sit up, grab my laptop from beneath my bed and write you a letter. I’m not sure why…
First of all, I think the most important thing I want to express is how much I’m enjoying getting to know you. It just occurred to me that now we can really say that we’re friends. Before, we liked each other and the chemistry was great but it all happened so fast. Now, we really are getting to know each other. What’s so special to me is knowing about your past, your family and some of the experiences that have helped to shape who you are today. I also enjoy talking to you about your future plans and desires and even thoughts about your future. The funny thing is, you are completely different from what I expected you would be. I mean, chemistry? check. funny? check. substance? Ummm….I honestly didn’t expect you to be a person of such great substance. I know how that must sound but please remember that everything and anything I heard about you (I still can’t tell you from who 🙂 ) was the complete opposite. I think that’s part of the reason why every time – every time – I talk with you, I am reminded of why I feel the way that I do.
Listen, you already know that I love you. I’m not sure whether to elaborate on this or not. If I do, I’m trying to protect myself from not hearing that you love me too. If I don’t, I’m putting myself too much “out there.” How about I just leave it alone and let you figure it out with time? More than loving you, I like you. I like the ‘you’ that I’m getting to know. It’s exciting! Really, it’s like a new thing every week. That just endears you to me even more.
Which brings me to some of what’s on my mind. In recent days, I have come to see you support me and somehow know what to say when I needed to hear it. First of all, “thank you” especially for that last ‘lecture’ that not only helped me sleep better but inadvertently prepared me for what lay ahead. What’s on my mind is that I’m thankful to have you and your support and your balance of seriousness and humor. What’s also on my mind is that I want more: I want more of you, your love, your support, your affection, your vulnerability, did I already say your love? Yes, your love. for me. I want more of your love for me. Specifically, I want you to love me. Even worse, I want you to love me the way I want you to love me. Get your head around that! 🙂
Seriously though, I find myself in a quandry: I’ll explain a little later. Based on a few things e.g. our recent conversation (yes you have feelings for me, no you don’t want to pursue them for various reasons), my own self-awareness (I attract and I’m attracted to men who are unavailable to me) and recent events (a health crisis and my growing awareness that while you do give me what I need when you’re there, you’re not consistently there enough for me to feel emotionally safe and secure with you, therefore making you unavailable to/for me), I now know that we can never be what I hope and want us to be unless things change. Considering the obvious i.e. you have no intention for things to change, I know that you’re exactly the kind of man I’m attracted to. You’re also exactly the kind of man I don’t need or want in my life. This means that I need to let go. But how can I? Herein lies my quandary.
Knowing what I know now – including the fact that while you have feelings for me, you do not intend to pursue them – I sometimes regret why you called me a few weeks ago when you did. You were totally out of my heart and mind and I was doing just fine knowing that your absence made you a non-option for me. Now you’re back with a force I have no control over, and yet you’re not really back. All things happen for a reason? What’s the reason for this?
Usually, I would let it go and walk away but how can I walk away when the friendship part is working so well? Why should I let go of a man who makes me laugh and who listens and who amazes and surprises me every time we talk? Why should I give up a man who makes me feel good, and reminds me how beautiful and really, plainly put, HOT he thinks I am? Why should I give up someone who I like having in my life? I’m not going to lie: I’m not willing. I’m not even willing to be willing to let go but if I don’t, I fear I will surely pay the price. What’s a girl to do?
Right now, this girl is going to keep her distance for a bit yet somehow continue to enjoy the friendship for as long as I can. If that doesn’t work, I’ll try something else but right now, I even choose to see this as a blessing. I didn’t ask for it so the cosmos must feel I needed it for some reason. If this did happen for a reason, maybe the reason is to show me some of what is possible for me. I say ‘some’ because while I enjoy you in my life, and you add so much to my life, I also see areas in which being with you would require a greater sacrifice than I’m willing to make. I’m happy you’re back in my life, but I don’t know why you’re back.
Hmmm…sigh…time will tell. It is, after all, a blabber of all things.
* name has been changed but the content is real