Category Archives: love

8 Intimacies

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Is your relationship truly intimate? How do you know? Well, here are 8 ways you can find out. According to Virginia Satir, if a couple has at least 3 out of the 8, that would be enough to build a strong marriage on.

  1. 1.       Recreational Intimacy:

When you participate in recreational activities – bike riding, working out, hiking etc – do you feel extra bonded with your mate? If so, you may be experiencing Recreational Intimacy.

  1. 2.       Intellectual Intimacy:

When you talk, do you feel like Christmas lights are aglow in your head? That’s the easiest way I know to describe this one. My experience has been that some people confuse intellectual intimacy with academia. To be clear, this isn’t about having the most complex conversations – although you certainly could if that’s what floats your boat. This is about having conversations that engage your mind in a way that few other people can; I’ve often felt like time flies/ceases to matter when I’m with intellectually stimulating people.

  1. 3.       Social Intimacy

When you and your beloved hang out with friends or in other social gatherings, do you experience a special depth and connection to each other?

  1. 4.       Emotional Intimacy

Is your relationship a safe place for both of you to share your emotional selves. When you do share yourselves with each other, does that leave you feeling more secure, loved and safe with your beloved?

  1. 5.       Physical Intimacy

This refers to non-sexual physical closeness. Is it important to you to spend time with your beloved, even when you’re not particularly doing anything of great importance? In those moments of comfortable silence, do you experience a deeper deliciousness to your relationship?

  1. 6.       Aesthetic Intimacy

Do you experience your love and closeness in a deeper way when enjoying beautiful things together? What kind of beautiful things, you ask? How about going to art museums, concerts, etc?

  1. 7.       Sexual Intimacy

The best way I know to explain this one is to say “connected sex”; the kind of sex that feels like a holy experience, lol. Seriously though, connected sex is different from just sex. Think of sexual intimacy as apple pie with ice cream and a cherry on the top, instead of just apple pie. Please note: there can be sex without intimacy + there can also be intimacy without sex. For your sake, DO NOT CONFUSE THE TWO.

  1. 8.       Spiritual Intimacy

Does the pursuit, experience or study of your spiritual beliefs leave you feeling an attachment and closeness to the apple of your eye that’s so deep, you can’t quite describe it?

Now that you’ve had a chance to read through them, what do you think? Does your marriage have what it takes to last? Is that special someone worth waiting for? Fighting for? Is it time to let that almost-special person go? Does this ring true for you or does it sound like a load of hooey? Let a sista know in the comments section J

HAPPY INTIMACING 😛

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Happy long-long-after-Valentines Day

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“We attract who we ARE not who we WANT”.

This has been one of my guiding phrases. I love it because it focuses the conundrum of love on you and not ‘those others’. Here’s the thought process: all your partners – former and current – have only one thing in common: you! You are the common denominator so if you are always attracting or attracted to a particular kind of person, then it’s up to you to explore if there is something in you that is similar to those characteristics that always appear in your love life.

I wouldn’t say that love is something you go out to find but I do think you must be ready for it; your heart needs to be fertile enough to receive it when and/if it shows up. That can’t happen if conditions are only perfect for the wrong kind of people; those who neglect, abuse, ignore, insult or take you for granted. If you’re needy, pushy, closed-off, bossy, boring….whatever it is, you need to know it. It’s not the end of the world if you’re those things, but my policy is “it’s best to know”. Furthermore, if you keep doing the same thing when it comes to love, then it stands to reason that you’ll keep getting the same results. Now is as good a time as any to try something different. Tweak something, change something and see if that changes your love patterns.

Now that the hullabaloo surrounding Valentine’s Day is past, I hope you will take the time to assess your love life. Think of it as taking your car (heart) for maintenance before a long road trip (your love life). There’s nothing to be ashamed or judgmental about and who knows, you may be pleasantly surprised. You may find that you’re always attracted to smart intelligent partners because you are a smart, intelligent person. You may also find gems of information, for example you’re attracted to unavailable partners because you yourself have an entire security system, complete with guard dogs, around your heart. While this may not feel like a gem, it actually is since it points you to a specific aspect of who are and gives you the opportunity to change it, or not.

I look forward to hearing from you. I truly hope you had a fantastic Valentines day but I hope even more, that the future of your love life is much more fantastic than just one day.

Jane & Steve: Update

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Last we talked, Jane & Steve were having some issues. Here’s some of what has happened since:

Jane & Steve were actually doing better than usual. They had even made plans to go someplace that very week. It wasn’t a date and it wasn’t anything romantic but it was important to Jane and Steve agreed to take her. Steve didn’t really come through for Jane within the agreed-upon time frame. However, one day he called and asked her to come over to his job because he’d found someone to fill in for him briefly while they were gone. His friend never showed up so Jane spent the time hanging out with Steve and his friends at work (his job is very laid back. Infact, his friends don’t work there they just come to hang out with him there).While there, Jane seemed comfortable and so did Steve; he usually seemed a bit worried if Jane hang around him at work infront of his friends. Somewhere in those hours, things got weird for Jane but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. It seems to this observer that it was more of a cumulative effect than anything specific. Here’s what I mean:

1. Jane got to Steve’s past 4pm that afternoon. By the time she got there she was hungry and apparently, while they were chilling out, she made one of those “I’m starving…I haven’t eaten all day today” comments. Steve’s response? Silence. Nothing. Nada. Keep in mind they have a soda-fridge at his job. He didn’t even offer her a drink, which would’ve cost him 25bob! After a while, she went and got a snack and brought back enough for them both, which he gladly enjoyed. I was curious (and furious) about this one. I mean, he called her and she spent her money to go and see him and he doesn’t even offer her a drink or food? A soda is 25bob. Chips is 50bob for goodness sakes! Anyway isn’t it part of our culture to offer a guest something to eat or drink? Gentlemen, when you like a girl shouldn’t this part be obvious or am I missing something? Talk to me people 🙂

2. At a later point, he ordered a fresh juice and offered her one but Jane declined since she already had a drink. When the juice attendant stopped by later and asked if she was ready for her drink, she answered in the affirmative. Steve’s response? He apparently didn’t seem pleased, even though he had offered to get her the juice at the same time he got his. *sigh* he’s an idiot, is my opinion.

3. Later still, Steve got a bit arrogant, for example, he made comments about another woman’s butt and boobs in the presence of Jane. His reasoning? “We’re guys. That’s what we do”. In his defense (and I’m looking for a silver lining here), he apparently preferred Jane’s boobs to the other girl’s. Still, it was a bit weird for her. Later when she asked him if her top was too revealing (because her boobs are for his eyes only, I presume), he said the top was fine and anyway it was ok if his friends saw a little coz it would make them jealous and wish she was theirs and not his! Hmmmm….I’m not a guy so I won’t guess why on earth he would say any of this. Maybe my male readers would care to enlighten us girls?

To cut this long, sordid tale short(er), that night Jane went home but she had a nagging question: “what has he added to your life in the two months you’ve known him?” When Jane couldn’t answer this simple question, she knew that they were over.

A few days later, she broke up with him. Via text message!

Jane & Steve

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I’ll jump right in and ask a question: when is enough, enough? At what point do you throw in the towel? At what point do you lay down your optimism and hard work and simply concede defeat? Check this (hypothetical) situation out:

Boy meets girl or in this case, boy’s clumsiness brings him smack dab into the eye view of girl. Long story short, boy asks for girl’s number and a fun adventure begins. Except that boy wasn’t exactly looking for a girl and neither was girl looking for a boy. For purposes of this hypothetical situation, let’s call girl Jane and boy Steve. So, Steve realizes that as much as he likes Jane, he’s not ready for a relationship. Apparently, he’s spent the last one year prior to Jane’s arrival hating women, courtesy of one who did him wrong. Then there’s Jane, who also wasn’t exactly looking for a relationship but her thing is, ‘he’s here so check him out and see if he’s worth the effort’. Roughly two months into this “thing” and things are at a standstill. A casual observer might say that they both feel they’re giving more than they initially intended or were willing to give, yet neither feels particularly satisfied. The same observer might say that Jane’s efforts toward Steve seem to be appreciated by Steve and they do seem to make a positive impact. However, Jane feels that Steve’s efforts aren’t exactly meeting her needs. An example would be time: Jane wants face time with Steve. Jane needs to feel that she matters enough to Steve that he would make an effort towards her by asking for her time, especially since she has proven time and time again that she is not after his money. To be fair, there isn’t much of it. He doesn’t have a job so much as he has a temporary gig. Steve on the other hand seems to feel like he’s happy with Jane’s input and he’s already putting in a lot of time to spend with her. On the phone! To be clear, Jane consistently states she wants face-time while Steve doggedly offers phone time. Typical male brain at work or a clear message that Jane should heed?

Let me also state for the record that every single meeting they’ve had has been due to Jane being in Steve’s neighborhood for one reason or the other. Two months into this “adventure” and Steve has yet to make any effort of his own to see Jane. Further complicating this tale of like-gone-wrong is Jane’s instinct, that 6th sense that all women are supposed to have. When she checks in with hers, it tells her that perhaps she should hang in there since when they do talk they’re happy, and this could be a valuable learning opportunity for her. In other words, she’s not convinced she should walk away (although truth be told, she’s slowly getting there).

I’m the casual observer so now you’re the casual observer. What do you think? Should Jane stay or leave? My own personal question is: why would a guy who’s so clearly happy with a catch like Jane not actually make the effort to see her? Another personal one: why don’t men listen? If she wants face time (which you seem to enjoy and ps: that’s not code for sex), then why not give it to her?

I’m eager to hear what you have to say so share your thoughts in the comments section. I look forward to them. Cheers!

Crushing ;)

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“I’ve got a crush on you, sweetie pie.” Those are the words of a certain song but the truth is I’m crushing on someone. Why oh why is this happening to me??? I’m actually a little bummed about it (coz who needs this drama?), although I can’t deny that it’s added lots of sun to my already sunny days. I don’t wanna give details (in case some day I open by big mouth and tell him to read my blog and then what?) Oh, but here’s some dirt: he’s cute in an mm-mm-wanna-bite kind of way. He’s got strong-looking hands. He’s conscientious about his work, he’s compassionate, kind, nice, mature, tender hearted…I could go on and on. It’s funny coz I’m the take-no-prisoners kinda girl but in this case I’m like “awww he doesn’t even see me like that.” What??? When did I get to be this whiny chick?

You know how they say if it sounds too good to be true then it probably is? Well, here’s the big BUT to this tale of love unrequited: he’s got a girlfriend who lives several several thousand miles away. As in a couple of continents away. I don’t do the whole date-a-guy-with-a-chick thing so I’m so hands-off right about now! I’m looking but definitely not touching 😉

It’s been almost a month since I last wrote you guys. I hope you now have a better idea as to where my energies were directed, haha. Crushing takes energy, time and work, what with all the day dreaming. Come to think of it, so does my new job!

Have you ever had a crush on someone you couldn’t have? Please do share in the comments section. Just between us 😀

Legacy of a man (with love)

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I am so sad to be writing this but I wanted to write something in honor of this man. When I was a little girl, I would always “tell on” my mother to him. He would hold court and lo and behold, the verdict would be in my favor. What’s not to love? 🙂 There’s more to love about this man; so much more than I can write in one simple post. That doesn’t mean I can’t try…

1. He showed me love. I can’t think of a time when I did any wrong in his eyes. In his eyes I was perfect and worthy of love, just the way I was. He often call me “kanuku,” “gathufu” and “kanyama” in jest. I would call him the same; I was too young to know better 🙂

2. He was hardworking. He wasn’t just hardworking, he held himself to the highest standards. That is one his legacies to me; that hard work pays and even when it doesn’t, it mustn’t be exchanged for lazyness.

3. He cried. My family recently decided that I must’ve have “taken” after him because…well, let’s just say that I’m not  shy about expressing myself. To put it mildly, without me Kleenex would go out of business :). The reason this aspect of his personality means so much to me is because I knew him as a man with not just sympathy but empathy as well.

4. He was generous. He would give you the shirt off his back plus his shoes. I used to think that he was that way with just me because I was his “wife” but I have come to learn that this was his nature. Generosity wasn’t just a big word; to him, it was a verb applied to many

5. He loved me. I know I wasn’t the only one he loved but knowing that he loved me means so much. I knew that I was always welcome in his home and in his heart.

You may be wondering who this great man was. He was my grandfather: the man who gave me his name to carry as my own. He who survived colonialism, spoke well and eloquently and deeply deeply spiritual, kind, fun and so much more…and now he’s dead.

It’s true that he was blessed with a long long life. He saw the birth of several grandchildren and great-grandchildren and buried a few, including his own children. None of that means anything to me because I miss him so much and I want him back. He was my grandfather and he was precious to me.

It feels like the end of an era, (that’s what I was going to title this post) but I now see it as the legacy of a man. By his life, he left a great legacy to be learned and upheld. I will miss him so much and hope to live my life in a way that brings honor and positive recognition to the name that he gave me. I love him, in death as in life, and will miss him dearly.

Thank you Lord for the gift of this grandfather and thank you grandfather for leaving us your legacy. I hope to do you proud.

CNN Heroes Awards

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I missed most of this event and now I wish I hadn’t. However, I did get to watch it long enough to be inspired.

First was the man who made it his business to provide wheelchairs to injured Iraqi children. This was just so moving; he said something to the effect of “injured children are a blessing and every child is special.”

Next came the story of the father to the forgotten: a man so selfless and generous that he had built an orphanage and taken in so many children. He was now the father of 3 biological children and 48 adopted little ones. He grows the food they eat but as if that wasn’t enough, he uses what he grows to feed countless other hungry children in the neighborhood. Even his acceptance speech oozed class, humility, gratitude, humor and wisdom. This is a man who is so generous that he told the crowd that he didn’t feel like a hero but he wanted the opportunity to introduce the real hero in his life: his wife! The camera cut to a woman with gorgeous hair. That’s all we saw since she was crying so hard. It was all very sweet. I literally exclaimed “where are these men?” He also proceeded to call his 3 biological children his other heroes and then declared his love for them in front of everyone, right before bragging on them. Let’s all collectively say it: 🙂 🙂 “Aaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww” 🙂 🙂

I must admit, watching this show – at least the parts that I caught – inspired me in at least two ways:

1. It showed me what other people were doing: what was possible. what is possible

2. It showed me that I can definitely do more. It isn’t a contest and I don’t need to guilt myself into it but it’s nice to know that even in the life-seasons where I feel tired, worn and empty, I still have something to offer someone

In a time when many people seem so self-involved, selfish and sometimes just plain stupid (see White House party crashers), it’s nice to see that there are still many people doing the opposite: making decisions based on the well-being of others. I hope to add myself to this list and look forward to adding my adventures to the “Yes Trail” on this blog so please check it out from time to time.

God Bless 🙂