Ok, so these last few weeks have been my own version of the Twilight zone. It feels as though Murphy and his damn laws have stuck to me like glue. Through all of this, I discovered that I am making myself crazy with this search for perfection.
We all know that nothing and no one’s perfect yet for whatever reason, some of us keep trying. A friend once said to me “I know I can’t be perfect, but sometimes I feel as though if only I tried hard enough, I could be.” We laughed but I knew that I too sometimes feel that way, no kidding. All this does is lead me to the “what’s wrong with me” road which inevitably leads to the hell-highway also known as “I’m a failure.” Oh but wait. There’s more. These last few weeks have turned this flaw in me (and I do think it’s a flaw) into a monster of an issue.
As though I don’t already have to deal with, what with Murphy and his dumb-ass laws, I am now berating myself for not handling my misfortune perfectly enough. Not just perfectly. Perfectly enough! Did you get that? Instead of supporting myself and letting others support me, I am berating myself for not being a perfect misfortune-handler!!! wtf?!?!?!
First all, “perfectly enough” for whom? No one else seems to hold me to this ridiculously high and impossible standard. I’m the one who has set this ridiculous and foolish standard and now I’m the one driving myself up the wall and into this hellish highway.
Why oh why do I do this to myself??? Is anyone else out there this insane or am I the only one?
The Yes Project 
Miamor, you’re not the only crazy one. I too have very high standards of myslef. I remember coming home one day totally upset that i got an 89% in an exam – or a B+. and no one else would understand why i was upset. Another case in point is when you feel fat and unattractive. At those time, you can tell me otherwise till you’re blue in the face – but it will not change my perception. So i get where you are coming from. But i find that i snap out of it quick enough – before it drives me absolutely bananas. It’s good to have high expectations of yourself – that way you can aim for high goals. But you also need to be fair to yourself. Treat these high standards as goals – not absolute necessities. You can’t always have your A game in your purse. Sometimes a B or C will do too. Hope you are able to convince yourself to stop being so hard on yourself :-). Better yet, buy yourself a drink and hope to retard those haunting thoughts!
LOL…I love love love hearing from you coz you’re so honest and I can totally relate. High standards? Yep! I was soooooo upset a few weeks ago when I found out that I got an A- in a class, thereby dropping my GPA. I am still tempted to ask that mwalimu “wassup? what happened?” but then I had to realize that in the bigger scope of things, an A- is a blessing not a curse.
I like how you said “treat these high standards as goals – not absolute necessities.” So simple yet so darn true! Perfectionism is also about control (I’m a shrink-in-training so I know 🙂 ) so it’s also about recognizing not only what I’m doing but WHY I’m doing it, and I do know. It’s getting easier to let go of stuff and focus on the present instead of using perfectionism to shield me from what’s happening. In my case, it’s definitely a form of denial – and it’s time for denial to leave. Oy!
Don’t worry…I’m working on it (see next post).
i totally hear you on this one…coz, yes A- bugged me sooo hard, and so did 99% LOL…sounds nutty but true, however, as the semesters wore on, it got to a point where there was no way that i was going to meet these high standards even if i went without sleep, if i went without a job…yes…but that was not an option! So i can totally relate.
I learnt how to just accept and not give in to the limitations and be happy with what i got so long as i put in the effort, and reduce the stress!
Yeah, same here! It took a minute to chill out after the A- (because the seduction of perfection was still with me) but then I realized that a 3.9 is a really great GPA and one that I should be proud of, especially given the kind of year I had. Thanks for the reminder my friend. Sometimes I forget to reach for excellence more than perfection.